A Man's Desire

         

        Men are looked at as providers and protectors, their bar for expectations from society has been set so high that if they don't meet or exceed it then they are deemed as failures. My question however is this, who provides comfort, peace of mind, and a soft place to land for him? Who protects his heart, his insecurities, his trust? When will we as women realize that it is on us to be there for our men as much as we want them to be there for us? Help our men to understand that it is ok to fail, it is ok to show emotion, it is ok to be vulnerable, then help him up and be at his back as he continues trying. Each time he falters or stumble be there holding his hand and wiping his brow as he sweats throughout his journey.

        Though I do agree that there have been some men who have made things quite difficult for the rest in terms of trust and reliability I have to disagree with the reasoning that all must suffer for some. My point is this, men are suffering daily with depression, stress, anxiety, and illness but they hold back on reaching out to someone for help simply because of what society deems the expectation of a man to be. Reach out to the men in your life today, be it a friend, brother, father, husband, or even a stranger...be a listening ear and an understanding heart because sometimes that's all a man truly desires.

Existing To Survive

 

The stories I could tell, the pain I have felt, the things I have lost living with Lupus; I suppose we shouldn’t call it living then, but more like existing, yes that’s it, that’s the word I’m looking for…existing. So, when you feel as if you’re only existing what do you do? How do you cope? How do you make it from day to day without throwing in the towel? The best way I can tell you how is just by getting up each day and try, you have to try even when you feel like you have no reason to, because believe me when I say that even when you feel that way, there is always a reason. Though you may not see it today, tomorrow, or even a year down the line but know and hold onto the fact that there is always a reason to go on.  

I was always known as the sick kid in my family and among my friends as early as three years old when I was hospitalized and diagnosed with asthma, growing up with that was not easy but I had no idea that things could get worse. Coming into my teens I never felt as healthy as my friends and I found that to be disturbing as it always made me feel different because I couldn’t keep up with everyone else as I know I should have been. There was always some sort of complaint and regular visits to my doctor’s office, sometimes the blame fell on me that I was either lazy, I’m making it up and even being diagnosed with psychosomatic illness. Now, if you don’t know what that is let me break it down for you, psychosomatic illness is a disease that involves both mind and body meaning it can be a situation in which the mind influences the body to create or complicate an illness. Simply put the doctor believed it was all in my mind and that I was causing whatever harm I was experiencing on myself, I cannot begin to explain how much of a blow was dealt to me hearing that if my own doctor didn’t believe my symptoms then who would?

Somehow, I just couldn’t accept that this was mental and it wasn’t until another doctor of mine sent me in for further testing that I would find some relief and answers that I had been looking for. However, the answer came with even more questions than ever, and my world felt like it was at a standstill. At age fifteen you’re supposed to be out enjoying your teenage years, learning, exploring, and just having fun but how could I do that now after being weighed down with the diagnosis of Lupus? I have never heard this word before so how could I be expected to understand what it was, I know the road that lay ahead of me would be a grueling and long one but my silver lining came in the support of a few dedicated family members and friends who have never strayed from the task at hand of being there for me when I need them most up until this day.

What came next felt like a whirlwind, I had symptoms that I found so hard to explain and recall that I had to make lists of because I couldn’t keep track of or remember them all. Fatigue, tremors, weakness, body pain, migraines, nerve damage, brain fog, hair loss, you name it I’ve had it. I missed so many days of school and I missed out on field trips that only added to the mounting depression I had when my friends would walk me through the many stories of how it went and how much fun they had. Out-of-town trips to see my rheumatologist were the worst as each time I had to go back I knew my prescriptions would just continue to grow, not to mention the fact that I had to do so many blood draws before I could even go. I was confused, in pain, depressed, and stressed which only added as triggers to the disease. Safe to say it has not been an easy journey but still I am here because I have chosen not to give up and continue on with the war that has been waged on me.

I have spent countless hours researching Lupus and what exactly it means for me, at first there was not much data available but in recent years information has been extremely accessible and abundant. I have learnt so much that I now can provide support and information to those who are having to go through this like I did at an early age. Proud and fulfilled does not begin to explain the feeling I receive when I can offer a word of advice, support, or encouragement to someone who is in need of it in order to make it through to the next day. I know how much a small word means from someone to someone who has similar experiences because initially, I had no one to turn to who was feeling or going through what I was. Thankfully now I have a host of love and support from friends with Lupus and similar invisible diseases. I now see the purpose of being given Lupus, I had to learn how to manage this package I was given to the best of my ability.

In years past I continued to define myself by what I am not able to do and bit by bit it destroyed me. I had to go back to the drawing board and learn that I am not Lupus, it’s just a disease I have but it doesn’t have me. I could spend the rest of my days squandering in self-pity, hate, and resentment but where will that ever get me honestly. It’s not a path that I want to walk and no one should ever have to either. So, instead of slowly dying from the negativity and allowing the darkness of it to engulf me I chose to live in the positivity and I allowed that to be my legacy. I have found that acceptance is such an important key to unlocking and understanding that a diagnosis is not the end and it should never define a person, it’s just a piece of the puzzle that is your life.

It’s been fifteen years and I have experienced way more than I ever should living with Lupus. I’ve suffered loss after loss and pain-filled, unexpected days that have been absolute nightmares. I have been robbed of experiences and future prospects that I will never have and that’s one of the most painful things a human being should never have to go through. When all is said and done, I have accepted that I have to live with Lupus for the rest of my life and I have no control over that. What I do have control of is my outlook and reaction towards it, I can choose to let the disease break me or stand up and fight. I have chosen to do the latter and making the choice alone shows me that I am indeed stronger and I have no intention to let it take me out at least not easily or willingly.

 

 

Maybe The World Needed A Pandemic

 

It feels just like yesterday, probably because I remember it so clearly that it almost makes it unbelievable, the last day I was actually out among the masses before this pandemic hit. I was spending some time with a girlfriend and getting ready to head home when the news was heard around the world, I thought that it would probably be one of those things that go away before people even get the full understanding of what it actually was. Little did I know that I was so wrong and it would be something to go down in the history books, something this world would never forget. The following day word of Covid-19 was on the lips of the world, even countries that had no cases were talking about it, safety procedures were being put into place and everyone was researching what this virus actually was, still, panic was at an all-time low and the world was keenly keeping watch of what would come next.        

Before we even knew it or had the time to prepare Covid-19 was being spread like wildfire, countries were being flooded with cases, the death toll began rising, lockdowns were in effect as well as curfews, quarantines, and safety protocols that ensured not a face would be seen without a mask or hands touch without proper sanitization first, it was either that or face the penalty that new rules were now putting into place.

Now this is where I began to panic and was nose deep into research trying my very best to understand exactly what the Coronavirus was, what it does, possible treatments, and my panic mainly was due to the fact that if I caught Covid it could very well prove fatal to me because here I was in the body of a person living with a compromised immune system. Living with Lupus for the past sixteen years and Asthma for at least twenty-eight years, that’s a double whammy for Covid, I won’t lie I was and still am living in complete fear and take every precaution necessary to protect myself and my family.

In record time an entire year had passed marking a full anniversary of the last time I was actually outside among the public and among friends in March 2020 to March 2021. Though frustrating both mentally, emotionally, and financially I know it’s the best thing I can do to stay alive, although a lot of the times during these past months I haven’t even really felt alive and not to sound selfish here because I am beyond grateful to still be here knowing that Covid has robbed so many of so much but at the end of the day I am only human and these feelings will arise.

Our existence has been diminished and our way of living has made a complete one-eighty, however with this pandemic humanity’s true nature has been unveiled and revelations brought to light. Things we once deemed as necessities have now become of little to no value to us and though we have learnt the hard way, regardless we have learnt and what I have personally learnt is appreciation. I have grown to appreciate the small things more, matter of fact I have come to understand that they aren’t actually small things at all but just things that we have placed into a small box that somehow belittles and underappreciates them.

I have been spending more time with my mother, I’ve been granted more access to her. Learning from her, laughing with her, and being in her presence during this time has replaced the importance and urgency of small things like events, trips, and plans. I have also spent more time talking with and learning from my dad through voice and video calls, though we are not even in the same country we are closer now than we’ve ever been and this pandemic has been the cause of that, we are indeed socially distant but mentally we have gotten closer as the days go by. Nothing in this world has more value than that and in an optimistic light I see it all now as a blessing, maybe the world needed Covid, maybe we needed Covid.

How often have you seen life stand still? Us being forced to stay home from work, from events, from people has started a chain reaction to healing and rest, a chain reaction that is pushing us to spend time with those close to us and ourselves to re-learn about each other, appreciate each other, and be grateful for the time we have. I have been spending a lot of time with myself and learning about what actually makes me tick, the results have been astounding. I used to not be able to go a week without seeing people who I thought held great value to my life and now after months of not seeing them and actually seeing myself and loving myself for who I am, I don’t even bat an eye regarding ever seeing them again and that’s ok, I wouldn’t exactly call it selfish or cruel, it’s really just prioritization and learning.

At times I do suffer from a bit of survivor’s remorse knowing so many have passed from Covid yet here I am still alive and well, so to speak. So, what really makes me so special that they’re gone and I’m not? I think we all have felt this way from time to time and it somehow makes us feel like outsiders to this virus, even outsiders to the loved ones left behind. How can we even begin to understand how best to console, or try to help them feel better knowing their loved ones are gone and they never even had the chance to hold their hands for the last time or utter a final farewell personally. That in and of itself is worse than the virus, they have to live with that as long as they’re here and I don’t think it’s ever something they can go a day without thinking about.

I honestly don’t know what has kept me going this long, my mental health is far better and stronger than I ever believed it to be. I think my passion for writing has also been a God-send, I feel like my pages are a kind of therapy for me, and being able to express it all and let it go with a pen is nothing short of a miracle. Many times, the thought comes to me that maybe my life has a purpose that I haven’t quite fulfilled yet, a purpose that I still don’t quite know and understand. I don’t believe we ever truly leave until we get it done, my belief is that there is a higher power and until you do what you have been put here to do then you can never leave until then.

Covid-19 has been an unexpected burden thrust upon our world and in our lives, though vaccines are now being developed, tested, and working we still wonder if it’s enough. How many of us miss the normalcy of our routines, going to work, the beach, a wedding even or simply shaking a stranger’s hand without worry of being infected or sanitizing immediately after. Masks, don’t get me started on masks, how I miss not wearing one, and the freedom of not having to worry about always having one on hand.

However, I have seen unbelievable tasks from mankind that have renewed my faith in humanity. I have seen so many give and sacrifice to help out a brother in need during this time, it has taught me that no matter how bad things may get or how lonely we may feel, our fellow men will always come through for us. Sometimes it takes a disaster or a pandemic in this case to wake us up and see that we need help and it begins with just one, it’s a domino effect that will eventually touch each one involved.

Maybe the world needed this pandemic and I say that with sadness because it has taken the loss of so many lives and a horrible virus to actually wake us up, force us to open our eyes, and see what is happening to the world around us. To bring us back home and be grateful for what we have and who we have, to reach out and help anyone and everyone that we have the possibility and means to. I wonder if when and if we ever return to our normal way of living if we will take the lessons that we have learnt from this pandemic forward. Will we revert to our ways before all this began or will we take all that we have learnt with us? Only time will tell and I do nothing each day but hope for the Covid-19 era to end soon, to disappear from our world as quickly as it settled here. It has left its mark upon us like the scarlet letter and each one of us will come out of this forever scarred in some way or another. All we can do is wait now, await a hug, a touch, a kiss, await the freedom to take a breath unmasked.

 

 

 

Life & Time

     Life comprises of ups and downs, good and bad, right and wrong but all in all, I believe that we can all agree that life is too short and beautiful to be wasted. Time is the most precious and valuable commodity we have and yet it’s never enough, it is extremely expensive but the majority of the time we waste it on the things that won’t even matter in the long run. We sit and we wait, thinking and believing that we have the time on our hands so we’re free to go get that job later, we think we can visit loved ones later, that we can fall in love later, or push family and friends aside because we will always have them around later. We don’t realize that the word LATER in itself has already failed us because we don’t have later, but what we do have is right now and we have to take advantage of the moment while it is at our feet, don’t wait because you never know if it will be your last. Neglecting objectives, your health, or loved ones isn’t fair to them and it isn’t fair to you, sooner or later it will come back to bite you, and when you realize it will be too late, that later that you were waiting on will already be gone or it simply won’t even matter anymore. 

     We tend to spend a lot of our time in the land of what-ifs and life is just way too short for that. If you love someone tell them, if you want that job then apply for it, if you want to climb Mount Everest then start climbing, these things are all your choices to make so you might as well just start doing it while you’re still here and still able to. In life, there are insurmountable lessons to be learned and these lessons serve as stepping stones for us, stepping stones of future choices that come with manuals known as the past. You see, those lessons aren’t just there as a scarlet letter they are there to guide you and help you make proper choices in the future. Many individuals tend to lock them away and forget them but in actuality, they do serve their own purpose in each and every one of our lives. 

     Life is a compilation of so much, yet we spend a huge if not all of it dwelling on one thing, one person, one moment and we use it to define ourselves, to define our lives. The question is why…why are we slaves to self-condemnation? Although each situation and person are different, I can safely say that we have all had our moments where we have been caught up so much so that we lost track of the original path we were on. Some of us have been lucky enough to break free and get back on the right path while others have not been. Regardless as the saying goes, life goes on and so does time without even missing a tick and we have to keep moving along with it as long as we have breath in our lungs. 

     Do you believe that it is safe to say that life is time and time is life? At the end of our lives, time will stop for us but it goes on for the rest of the world but when time ends then that will also be the end of all life as we know it. Hence why time will always be the most precious commodity that we can never afford. So, know that we all have only one shot at this thing called life and we have to use the time we’ve been given as properly as we know how because there are no do-overs. If you never have before then make time now for all the things that you have been putting off until later. The saying is true that time waits for no one and we’ve proven that time and again, so don’t waste this amazing life that God has blessed you with because you never know what lies around the corner of the path that is your life.

Delicacy & Strength

     Women are such delicate creatures, don’t get me wrong we are strong as hell when we need to be but we are delicate as well, that’s the beauty of women we don’t have to be one thing or another we have multiple sides to us. You see, we cry, we break, we fall but most of the time we do it when no one else is around and when you are around there is little to no chance that we’ll let you see us doing any of those things, on the off chance that we allow you to see us like that it’s because we feel safe enough with you, that we can trust you enough to show you that side of us. We have mastered the art of putting on a smile on the outside while we’re being torn apart on the inside, sad as this maybe it’s just the truth.

     Have you ever truly stopped to admire the beauty and delicacy of a woman? I don’t mean only physically because a woman’s beauty doesn’t lie in the size of her hips, the flatness of her tummy, the texture of her hair, or the shape of her face. Her beauty lies inside, in the thoughts that fill her mind, the purity of her soul, the kindness of her heart, and the words that spill from her lips. In the time I have spent discovering who I am and what I want, I have come to find out that acceptance and loving every bit and inch of myself helped me to find my own happiness without the assistance of anyone else. This road I chose to walk on my own instilled the knowledge in me that I deserve nothing but the absolute best.

     As a woman, I have learned to be patient, to be understanding, to be warm, and to be caring, these things are all traits that I excel in and I know many other women do as well, this is why it hurts me when we do all this and more and it ends up being taken for granted, but like the strong women we are…we forgive, we don’t forget but we do learn and we put it somewhere and we leave it right there. We don’t bring it up in future conversations or disgruntles because that would make us petty and unfair but do know that if a woman brings it up in the future that simply means that all has not been forgiven. So, when we forgive, we open ourselves up again to trust and we do it as we’ve never been hurt before and on top of that, we do it extremely well choosing not to bring the past into the present or the future.

     One of the biggest things as a woman that I have learned to accomplish is acceptance, I know I’m far from perfect, I don’t have the perfect smile, I don’t have the perfect skin and I sure don’t have a perfect life but I have accepted who I am and I never stop working to improve the things that I can. Most importantly I love me for me, I don’t need makeup to make me feel beautiful or clothes to make me feel sexy, I reserve all those things on my own naturally and free. I know for a fact that I am beautiful where it matters most of all and I have come to discover that there is nothing sexier than a confident, classy, and intelligent woman.

     Women, my point is this, cry…break…fall…do anything you need to do (obtaining your morals of course) to release yourself and feel free but when you’re done, no matter how long it may take, get back up, learn to trust again, believe again. Don’t ever let a bad situation or a bad person from your past or present even determine what your future will be, you and only you control your life, your decisions, and your outcome. The story of you will never be determined by a situation or a person; so, love yourself first, love your life, fall in love with the person you are because no one on the face of this earth will ever love you as you do.